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| Hi all, in Berlin right now staying at the fancy Grand Hyatt. I will be in Europa for the next three weeks, and will try to update to show you all how uncultured and boorish you are by uploading pics from street meat stands and also vent because I will be accompanied by my eccentric mother.
A sandwich shop
Sunset from the Reichenbach, a tall building where parliament meets.
Currywurst, a delicious German snack. The sausage was homemade, as was the tart potato salad.
The Holocaust War memorial
OK, now on to more important things, notably a list of things my mother has done to drive me crazy so far:
Meeting at the airport:
Me: "Hi mom!"
Mom: "Hi...What's on your face?"
Me: "Oh, it's just a pimple."
Mom: "Oh...Can you buy something for that?"
Me: "Yeah I already have some pimple cream stuff."
Mom: "Oh."
Later at a store
Mom (to checkout lady, holding foot fungus cream): "Hi! Will this work on my son's face?"
Me: "Oh my god."
Mom: "Stephen, put this on your face!"
Me: "No."
Mom: "Why are you being so difficult? (to checkout girl) Why is he so difficult?"
On the plane:
Mom: "Do you have any pictures of your girlfriend?"
Me: "Yeah, here's one...(shows pic)"
Mom: "Wow! She's so sexy!"
Me: "Haha, thanks mom. Yeah, she's really smart and ni.."
Mom: "Look at how huge her boobs are!"
Me: "Um...okay"
Mom: "Look! I can zoom in on them"
Me: ...
Me: Give me back my phone.
In the middle of the Holocaust War memorial, which is a grid of 2100 nearly identical tall rectangular slabs:
Mom: "Let's meet here, in exactly 10 minutes."
Me: "Here? Do you think we might want to pick a better meeting spot?"
Mom: "Why are you always so difficult? Let's just meet here?"
Me: "How are you going to be able to tell the difference between here and over there (pointing 10 feet away to identical row of stone blocks)"
Mom: (pauses) "Well then just climb on top of the rock and stay there for 10 minutes!"
Me: "I am not climbing on top of a rock that is supposed to represent a Jewish grave."
Mom: "See! So difficult!"
Again in the Holocaust memorial:
Mom: "Why is this picture so dark? What did you do to my camera?"
Me: (removes sunglasses from Mom's head)
Mom: "Oh...That looks better. Wait, don't treat me like I'm an idiot!"
Ok, I feel better.
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| Was looking through some old pics of college days. For some inexplicable reason, we used to have a lot of weird costumes to try to entertain girls, which we somehow assumed would get them to like us (it didn't). If you had to ask a 12 year old boy what kind of costumes girls would like, the list would probably look something like this:
-A fireman's hat
-An orange jump suit
-A strap-on chin dildo
-A second big black dildo on a wooden plaque
Coincidentally, this is the exact same list our fraternity came up with as well! We would inevitably break out these items during parties when someone got drunk, then look perplexed when girls ran away. While I always blamed these stupid costumes for scaring all the girls from our house, I came to a realization today upon talking to one of my fraternity brothers; It was not the items that did the scaring, but rather the way in which they were used.
Peter: orange jump suit!!!! me: fire truck hat!!! me: we used to have so many props in that house to entertain girls... me: none of them worked. Peter: well Peter: they did Peter: we just didnt use them properly me: yeah me: it seemed like most of the time me: they were used in an extremely gay fashion me: who knew that's not the best way to get girls? Peter: yea.... Peter: that's not the prop's fault
My ex-roommate Sire in the background laughing and pointing: "This never happens. Wait until they break out the props."
Is that a girl reaching her hand into the crotch of our beloved stripper Peter? The answer, unfortunately, is no.
Pictured: The brothers relaxing on couches whilst enjoying a mock erotic show between a fireman and a man in an orange jump suit
Not Pictured: Girls.
So let this be a formal apology, fireman hat, orange jump suit, and assortment of strange dildos; It was us, not you that were to blame for the full value-pack box of expired condoms with which I had to dispose of upon my moving out of college.
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| [x] clipped my fingernails out the window
[x] checked my email
[x] read article confirming that texting while driving is more dangerous than driving drunk
[x] contemplated buying and drinking a 40 to prove stupid article wrong
[x] blogged
[ ] kept eyes on road
Sent from my iphone
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A lot of people email my blog and ask me why I am so good with the ladies (thanks for the email mom!). The truth of the matter is, I have a little secret technique that I use to hone my game. I have a resource of literally hundreds of the world's most talented, best trained minds to give me advice on all matters women. Forget Men are from Mars, I am talking about real-life experts to personally tailor requests to my queries.
For instance, the other day I invited a girl out on what I thought was a very thoughtful date. We had just been drinking the night before, and I very considerately invited her out for smoothies at Jamba Juice the next morning, as it is an excellent hangover treat. When we got into the fine establishment, we proceeded to order our drinks, and I proudly whipped out a fantastic coupon, buy one smoothie get one free.
However, what I thought was a) romantic, b) a display of how good I am with money, and most importantly c) saving me $3.48, she thought was tacky. I tried to explain that the coupon expired today and that was the only reason I invited her for stupid smoothies in the first place, but apparently honesty is another trait along with frugality that women lie about looking for in men. Really they just want a man dumb enough to pay for overpriced smoothies.
I then explained that today happened to be "Romantic Jamba Juice coupon day," the most romantic day of the year to use jamba juice coupons. She said I made it up. Is it my fault that Romantic Jamba Juice coupon day had not already claimed a spot on the standard calendar, that the first person to think it up also happened to place it on this day, and this person also happened to be me? Apparently, yes, it is and there are some sort of "rules" for creating holidays which basically involve me never being able to make one.
Luckily, I had my temple of gurus to consult in this matter. I quickly went home and posted the following question on Yahoo! Answers, the searching ground for all of life's questions:
Is it any less romantic to take a girl for smoothies if you bring a coupon that was about to expire with you? Even if it was the most romantic coupon day of the year?
Yahoo! Answers, if you are not familiar with it, is an open forum where anyone can ask a question and is promptly provided the burning answer. Some of my favorite questions include:
How do you make just one word on myspace all caps? Why are the holes in cat fur always in the right places for their eyes? Why does the screen say "wwwBangbros.com" after my son leave even though he's only doing homework? And my personal favorite: I caught my son having sex with a guy and I think he might be gay. Is there a definitive way I can tell?
Boy, were those answers helpful and informative!
Well, it turns out that I was right! Yahoo Answers told me that my girlfriend, not I, was the one to blame! iMed kindly informed me:
Hey, if she doesn't like she can go suck some elses di** its hard times for mofosuser Raina also let me know
Thanks Yahoo Answers!
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| Do you have a celebrity look-a-like that people constantly mistake you for? Well, for those of you that have met me in person, you probably immediately guessed mine - and no, for the last time, I am not Brad Pitt's long-lost twin!
Although it is very annoying being constantly mistaken for Brad, it does have its advantages. Apparently, people find his harsh Caucasian features strangely appealing.
After being associated with Brad for so long, I do have to admit I have learned to enjoy the attention it gets me. That is why when I saw he was growing his hair a little bit longer, I decided that I should follow suit.
I usually keep my hair no more than two or three inches long, but after not getting my hair cut for about two months, it was getting fairly longer and I think I was starting to look more and more like Mr. Pitt. However, that all changed today when I got my hair cut.
 
Pre-haircut: Which one is Brad Pitt and which one is me?
(Hint: I am the Asian one)
I went into a small hair studio in Berkeley and was greeted by a nice Asian lady. I walked in and immediately told her this was going to be the easiest haircut of her life. Some people can't follow the most simple of instructions, though. All I asked her to do was use some thinning shears, layer my hair a bit, and make me look the most handsome I have ever looked in my life. As you probably guessed, I walked away disappointed.
Some people might say I set my standards too high, but my mom tells me she is able to make me look the best I have ever looked in my life every time she forces me to wear the outfits that she picks out for me when I visit her back home:
"Oh, you look so sharp! The best you have in your life! Now you have no excuse why girls don't like you!"
Unfortunately, I don't think I look like B.P. any more, but I did get a Matt Damon reference today, so maybe it's the start of something even bigger. I guess I should get my autograph pen ready at all times now.
(One of the few on-camera glimpses of Special Agent Jason Bourne...Just kidding, it's me!)
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